“A” is for Aardvark

Dear Motorcycle Man,
You get the Aardvark safety award! Congratulations on taking that extra precaution and strapping that fire extinguisher right to your bike. That is truly taking your safety to the next level. However, I would recommend that if your bike catches fire, you should probably just get away from it before it explodes. I am not a biker so I will understand if you have a different plan.
Yours truly,
Aardvark

Dear Red Tank Top Woman(?),
What perseverance you have shown. The 60’s are long gone and yet you are still not shaving under your arms. Wow. That is long term dedication. I wish that you could bottle that level of self confidence and sell it. It would be a sell-out! Maybe a career as a motivational speaker is in your future. I would, however, recommend a lovely 3/4 sleeve … only because it is more professional. Good for you!
Thinking of you,
Aardvark

Dear Dog Walker,
I commend you for your perseverance and for getting up before 6:30 am to walk with your dog. It takes a strong will to keep up a routine like that. I guess it is also rather convenient for you that there are not many others up and out at that time. Some people might not appreciate that you let your dog stop and poop on the sidewalk…some might. I can only think that you were checking for approval as you feverishly looked around. Enjoy your morning and I hope that no one leaves poo on your stoop.
Thank you for your time,
Aardvark

Dear Driver of the teal Ford truck in front of me this morning,
While I am very excited that you are still interested in learning new things…I don not think that 7am on the Parkway is the best time and place to learn to drive a manual transmission. I am really thinking of you. It isn’t safe for you to create that much tension and road rage so early in the morning. Some people haven’t even had coffee. Although the lady in the car next to me had already picked hers up and I am afraid she was quite unhappy when you stalled and she hit the breaks…her coffee hot the windshield. I guess that is what she gets for drinking and driving. I hope you didn’t hear the choice words she had for you. They may have broken your thirst for knowledge spirit.
Sincerely,
Aardvark

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I have to say when I saw that question posed by one of my faithful readers…I felt an overwhelming sadness in my heart. I can’t believe someone my age doesn’t remember Danger Mouse. I think this is a travesty.

If you too have been deprived of the joys of Danger Mouse and his faithful assistant, Penfold, then DangerMouse.org is a good place to start your education.

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Scout and I are watching Sesame Street. We had an eclectic breakfast of strawberries, Rice Krispies, a donut, and banana for Scout. Now we are snuggled up on the couch. Here are a few things you should know about Scout.

1. Last night while eating dinner, Scout said “chicken.” She was eating….chicken!!!
2. Steve gave Scout an old keyboard and she likes to sit on the couch with it in her lap like I do with my laptop.
3. Scout is growing like a weed. She got new shoes yesterday.
4. Scout likes to ride the dino in Shoe Carnival.
5. Scout loves the train table at B & N.
6. Scout is a flirt.
7. Scout thinks she is Danger Mouse

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Fellow blogger and bad ass, Miss Zoot, is raising money for MDA. To help her cause she is offering incentives. I was sucked in. By donating $20 to MDA I got my bog spotlighted on her sight. Now this may not seem like a big deal but it was totally worth it! First, MDA is a great organization to give money and second, my traffic saw about a 5X increase.
So a big thanks to Zoot and her readers who I hope will stick around and see what else I have to say. Feel free to comment and leave links to your blogs. I am all about the networking!

ps…rest assured I have already started volume 4 of “Yours truly, Aardvark”

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Dear Large Man with the greasy pony tail,
I applaud you for your dedication to your van. I can’t imagine the time and energy you and your drunk friends must have spent spray painting the entire van black. I have never actually seen a full size van painted entirely with spray paint. Good for you. It isn’t everyday that you see that level of dedication.
Yours truly,
Aardvark

Dear SUV Driver and Wal Mart shopper,
It is completely unnecessary for you to come to a complete stop on the access road before turning into the parking lot. I am proud of you for trying to be a cautious driver… but remember it is just as important to be a courteous driver, less you have my larger SUV up your ass.
Thinking of you,
Aardvark

Dear Old Lady at Publix,
That shade of lipstick is wonderfully unique. It reminds me of some neon pink jelly shoes I had in 1985. I am impressed with your sass and willingness to wear a color that doesn’t occur in nature. I can tell that you are an individual with your own percussion section. If you will check on aisle 5 or 6 where they keep the cosmetics, you can pick up a compact and avoid that embarrassing lipstick on your teeth.
Your friend,
Aardvark

Dear 50 year old woman in the white tank top,
What a lovely embroidered tank top. It looks very nice with the white linen pants and cropped jacket. My only concern would be for your comfort. I am a bit worried that on your drive home your loose boobs may be flying all around and could possibly even slap you in the face. I would recommend a quick stop at Victoria’s Secret to pick up a new bra. You will feel like a new woman and your knees probably won’t be quite as sweaty.
Sincerely,
Aardvark

Dear Parents,
Please don’t make up names for your children. I too have been drunk while playing Scrabble but I didn’t take the left over letters and try to name my unborn child. While this method is unique, the names are just weird. I am impressed with your use of “z” in place of “s” and how you are able to sprinkle randomly the letter “y” and apostrophes. Bravo! You get props for your effort. Maybe next time you will consult some basic rules of phonics and grammar before filling out that birth certificate.
Thinking of you and yours,
Aardvark

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I know that right now I am being a crappy blogger and a worse friend. I am not ignoring anyone and I am not trying to be a pain in the ass. I am so overwhelmed by work right now I can’t see straight. I only see and talk to Steph because we are in a show together. I have been at school by 6:30 most days and have never been later than 7. I stay until at least 4 most days and have been here after 5 several times.

I hope this gets better. Right now I hate my job. Really. Hate. It.
Susanna - Thanks for the messages, I promise to call you back.
Sarah - I miss you too!

I need an intervention!

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Wednesday was the first student day of school. I was there at 6:30am. It went pretty well. I laid down the law and have been a hard ass this week. Thursday I was at school by 6:30 again. We had a couple of meetings after school and I ended up being there until 5pm. That is a long day. Friday I got there at 6:30 again but I left at 3:15pm. I was so tired last night I barely remember crawling into bed. My class is ok. If you had asked me on Thursday I would have said they are good. Now they are just ok.
Day 3 and I had something stolen. It was just a book but it pisses me off. If any of them had asked I would have bought them the book. I think someone took it just to take it. DAMN!
I also have a little boy in my class who speaks NO English. Luckily I have a little girl who is bilingual and she translates for him. I have 24 students on roll. Only 21 of them have shown up. 1 is in the hospital having knee surgery.
3 are Hispanic, 21 are African American. 14 girls, 10 boys.

Here is a little rant for you…
How is it that people who can make up names like Jaquarius and Malayesha…are unable to pronounce or spell Lewallen?

I am so tired. Questions? Comments?

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Sarah posted this about me …

“Maker of all things beautiful and lover of all underdogs,
she makes the world a better place just by existing inside of it.
She is lurved.”

It made me cry.

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hi guys!, originally uploaded by aisforaardvark.

I had to post this.

I promise to post more later in the week. School starts tomorrow (Wed.) and i am not quite in the swing of things yet. Let me catch my breath and I will update. For now you can enjoy pictures of my gorgeous child!

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