Yours truly, Aardvark (Feb 2012 Edition)

Dear Jeep Driver,

I have a fondness for Jeeps and especially red ones…so YAY you! I can only assume that you have a fondness for my chosen mode of transportation too..otherwise I cannot explain why you were driving so close behind me today that you were setting off the sensors on the rear bumper. I am not sure how close you have to be to do that…but I feel like I can safely say it should not happen while traveling 45 mph down Whitesburg Dr. I would have been happy to tap my brakes and let you get a super close view of the rear of my vehicle..but I just had the bumper replaced and it is all shiny and new! Maybe that is what drew you in Please be careful out there, I would hate for your cute red jeep to end up up the ass of a less considerate suv!

Yours truly,
Aardvark

Dear Pretzel Bite Buyer,

Kudos to you for being an informed consumer (of pretzel bites.) I may have once wondered what the ingredient list of the pretzel bites contained and today I became a more informed consumer. (And to think all I was waiting to buy was a fountain Diet Coke and I lucked out and hopped in line behind you!) I can’t say I have ever been equally curious about the ingredients of the assorted sauces/dips they sell to accompany the bites. I will say that I feel like maybe (just maybe) if you are that concerned about the ingredients and “trans fats” (your words) maybe pretzel bites dipped in butter at the mall are not the snack for you.

Yours truly,
Aardvark

Dear Hobby Lobby Shopper,

Your dog is very cute! Even cuter? The bed you brought in with you to put in the cart so that your pup could rest comfortably while you wheeled her around the store. I didn’t realize that small dogs had such an interest in arts and crafts but I will make a note to include my own dog the next time I break out the hot glue (or not.) I don’t know if your realized that people stopped carrying their “purse dogs” out in public several years ago. I wouldn’t want you to be behind the times Also, I would suggest that if you are worried that someone might see your dog in the cart maybe (crazy idea) you should leave her at home instead of being incredibly rude to my child who was amazed to see your littel furry Martha Stewart in Hobby Lobby. Our dog does most of her shopping online…so it isn’t a huge surprise that P was quite taken with a dog riding around Hobby Lobby. Maybe next time you should dress her up like an elderly man or a dwarf and then you wouldn’t risk being what some might consider a bitch to a small child. (Just in case you worry about those kind of things.)

Yours truly,
Aardvark

Dear Various (male) Gas Station Patrons,

Wow! Who would have guessed so many people would be concerned for the well being of my engine!? It warms my heart EVERY TIME someone asks me if I realize “that pump is diesel.” Keep up the good work you doers of good!

Yours truly,
Aardvark