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Yours truly, Aardvark : Volume 3
By Aardvark | August 16, 2007
Dear Large Man with the greasy pony tail,
I applaud you for your dedication to your van. I can’t imagine the time and energy you and your drunk friends must have spent spray painting the entire van black. I have never actually seen a full size van painted entirely with spray paint. Good for you. It isn’t everyday that you see that level of dedication.
Yours truly,
Aardvark
Dear SUV Driver and Wal Mart shopper,
It is completely unnecessary for you to come to a complete stop on the access road before turning into the parking lot. I am proud of you for trying to be a cautious driver… but remember it is just as important to be a courteous driver, less you have my larger SUV up your ass.
Thinking of you,
Aardvark
Dear Old Lady at Publix,
That shade of lipstick is wonderfully unique. It reminds me of some neon pink jelly shoes I had in 1985. I am impressed with your sass and willingness to wear a color that doesn’t occur in nature. I can tell that you are an individual with your own percussion section. If you will check on aisle 5 or 6 where they keep the cosmetics, you can pick up a compact and avoid that embarrassing lipstick on your teeth.
Your friend,
Aardvark
Dear 50 year old woman in the white tank top,
What a lovely embroidered tank top. It looks very nice with the white linen pants and cropped jacket. My only concern would be for your comfort. I am a bit worried that on your drive home your loose boobs may be flying all around and could possibly even slap you in the face. I would recommend a quick stop at Victoria’s Secret to pick up a new bra. You will feel like a new woman and your knees probably won’t be quite as sweaty.
Sincerely,
Aardvark
Dear Parents,
Please don’t make up names for your children. I too have been drunk while playing Scrabble but I didn’t take the left over letters and try to name my unborn child. While this method is unique, the names are just weird. I am impressed with your use of “z” in place of “s” and how you are able to sprinkle randomly the letter “y” and apostrophes. Bravo! You get props for your effort. Maybe next time you will consult some basic rules of phonics and grammar before filling out that birth certificate.
Thinking of you and yours,
Aardvark
Topics: yours truly | 3 Comments »
August 16th, 2007 at 6:10 pm
Oh my goodness. I’m dying laughing.
August 16th, 2007 at 7:08 pm
You need to syndicate this stuff.
August 18th, 2007 at 7:57 am
I love “yours truly”
You crack me up!